prettyredshoes

a new blog, changing and sorrys… | May 25, 2009

I want to start a new blog with a new perspective on a old concern… or an insightful perspective on a new concern… you know, something deep and dangerous, something I can be proud of when I tell the world that I have a new blog.

One issue that I hope to amend from previous blogs is habitual rambling… I do suspect that at times I will post select ramblings, but I would like to try to write organized blogs on narrowed topics. So, I guess I will do both. What good would this blog be if didn’t write like I felt… I can’t always conform to my own prescribed boxes. My hope for this new blog is simply that I will write OFTEN and that blogging will lead to more a standardized practice of writing in general. I hope to find true love.  just kidding. and i hope to be a famous blogger. kinda kidding. and I hope to meet some people and share some writing, okay that one I mean…

So, to introduce myself and because old habits die hard… here’s some of the forbidden rambling:

When can you tell that it is YOU who needs to change? It’s a natural human instinct to run from and fight against some forms of criticism. Who looks in the mirror each morning, saying “what can I change about myself today?” We all want to be better at something. We all want good friends and good relationships in general, but how much of ourselves can we change before it’s too severe a compromise?

I do not have an answer. I can quote Emerson, “To be great is to be misunderstood.” But not all those who are “misunderstood” are great… you know? What I know about myself is that I am not perfect. I also know that I am capable of change and capable of loving someone more than my own foolish nightmares. My devotion to the people that I care about is tightly intertwined with my wants. I want to carry those that I love with me through life, all my soulmate friends, all those who I would take a proverbial bullet for… Did you know that I would take a bullet for you?

Perhaps there is danger is seeking affirmation, seeking neat endings to messy misunderstandings. People aren’t what they should be. Everyone needs to change. But everyone also needs a good group of people to tell you not to change. Everyone needs to hear I’m sorry… and once they’ve heard it.. it makes it easier for them to say it the next time. Lately, I’m the apologizer… to many. Does that mean that I’m diseased with some bad-friend-who-can’t-get-it-right plague? What is this degringolade of friendship, this doubt?

Friend, I am so vain. I stare in the mirror of introspection daily. I see with crisp perception all of the things about me that you don’t like, and I support your argument because it is you who is arguing. Supporting you means that I have to agree with you even when it’s against me, but if you find fault with me why can’t it be with my self-analysis, my lack of confidence, my poor attention span, how my new apartment is still in boxes after a month, or that I sometimes don’t floss… Why do you choose my frankness, my stern sincerity, my obscene humor, my intensity, all the crap that makes up the bulk of why I’m different and lovable in the first place? Furthermore, why can’t you say aloud why you stopped saying hello? I wouldn’t bite. I would listen, then fight you on it, then explain myself, then compromise, and then buy you a sno-cone.

If I’m sorry is what you want, then I’ll give it to you on repeat like broken record. I can say this to you every day if that is what you want. But I want someone to look at me and see the eternal optimist behind the cynicism. Can you offer me that, friend? If I say I’m sorry, can you tell me you wouldn’t ever want me to change, not really anyway? There would be something indestructible to a friendship like that, don’t you think?